Exam Review

 

Done with 3 papers in these 2 days.

Nursing – Quite bad
Medical sociology – Bad
Politics – Happy

Psychology – Tomorrow
Microbiology – Next Monday (Sian.)

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I hate open-book papers actually. Ironically I feel more restricted to write even though we can bring in all the materials we’d need. It is precisely because of that that I feel my answer has to be PERFECT which I know is IMPOSSIBLE, so I just don’t know how to write it to match my expectation. Sigh… If you understand what I mean.

In similar vein, I am always struggling to write a satisfactory essay assignment even though we have access to academic journals and well, the internet. Same reason.

Though politics exam was also in the essay format, it was done through pure memorisation and ability to crap sensibly. Thus I find it easy to write and was happy with my paper, regardless of the result I’m gonna get. It’s the sense of knowing you have done the best you know how.

The time of exam is also a major determinant factor for me. Nursing and Sociology papers both started at 9am? It’s such an ungodly time for me to write anything decent or intelligent. Usually I’m still asleep or barely awake at 9am. For the past 2 days, it also came to my realisation that so much is happening while I am sleeping.

Mornings are such stressful time, with people rushing about with the hustle and bustle of life. I had excess time this morning and so was standing by my window and people-watched. I noticed their pace of walking was much faster then any other time of the day and people seemed to have a purpose to achieve, a destination to go. I kinda liked that scene, like how every one has a role to play in society.

Psychology paper starts at 1pm tomorrow. Nice timing. I’ve read through the entire textbook leaving a non-examined chapter out. If only every module and textbook is that interesting? This is by far the only module that is able to greatly captivate my interest. I’m just happy that I acquire this knowledge, regardless of my result.

Well, in the process of it all, I’ve seen how people are so hard up about grades and all, that doing better than others mean so much? I think comparing to gauge where you stand is fine, but comparing to know that you’ve outdone so-and-so is just plain distasteful.

Like so what? Does it make you more intelligent in any way?

Yay to meritocracy, boo to its ugly side effects.

 

My Awesome Kids

 

And so it goes, I have 5 kids now, ranging from 3-18 years old. =) 2 piano and 3 tuition.

A new 4 year-old girl was added today haha and she totally made my day! =)

While teaching her halfway, she took out something from her mum’s bag and showed me.

Me: What is that??
Her: *Giggles*
Me: *Takes a closer look* Oh, is that your diaper??? Why do you show me?? Hahaha.

Kids do the darnest thing! Waha.

And so I was trying to get her familiarised with the piano keys and had her put her tiny palm on the back of my hand (for a piggyback ride =P) as I pressed on the blacks keys.

"2 black keys, 3 black keys, 2 black keys, 3 black keys….”

                    

Until we reached the lowest set where there sits only one black key. Then I turned to look at her

Me: Oh.. Left one lonely black key… Usually nobody cares for it (since it’s the 2nd lowest note)… Do you want to care for it?
Her: Yes! (With all sincerity, and stretched over to press it.)

Omg so cute!!! And I don’t know where my lameness came from seriously. 

Kids are such wonders. =)))

Study Week

 

As the title suggests, it is NUS’ (or NUS’s?) study week now. I hate study week the most, though it seems like a good excuse to avoid other commitments. The thing is, even with so much (seemingly) free time, I am mentally imprisoned.

At the back of my mind, haunting screams keep calling for me to study and they won’t cease until they bind me to a chair in front of my books. Ok I’m exaggerating, but it’s about 80% true.

While lying on my bed at 4:30am, about to give in to a short slumber, it suddenly dawned upon me that I have piano lesson at 11am. My heart skipped a beat as I leapt out of my bed and readjusted my alarm clock.

How could I forget my weekly lesson? =/

Anyway, my teacher started off with scales, my worst section. I could sense she was getting impatient and so I was getting frustrated, with myself. I could only blame myself for not practising.

After the agonising moment, we moved on to my exam piece. She reduced the speed for practice from 48 to 46 cos I couldn’t play in time. Again, I was kinda frustrated because I could play in time in my room and I actually find it distracting when she played along with me an octave higher. But of course, I could only blame it on my poor… Time management?

Moving on, she had me started on my 3rd exam piece – Chopin Mazurka in A minor, op.7 no. 2. It was on repeat for over 2 hours while I studied and I’m beginning to like it. =) Actually I don’t really have good impression of Chopin piano pieces cos the long-windedness never fail to make me drowsy, though he’s supposedly a “piano poet”. I love his cello sonatas so much more. =)

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Anyway, I hope this song will encourage all of you as it has for me. Sometimes, there are too many voices in our head or that of other people, which make us feel inferior or inadequate.

But God, our Creator, paints a whole different picture of us. He says that we are an apple of His eyes, that each of us is really special to Him and He really loves us despite all our shortcomings.

Makes me wanna cry just writing this. Ok enjoy…

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

The Frog Needs To Be Out Of The Well

 

Things are looking bleak now. I have lost my appetite yet again.

Just received a letter from my cousin in Japan, in it she attached a brochure of Nagoya, the place she’s living and studying in now. She ended the letter with “It should make you more keen to visit!” Lol, so cute.

If things go well, I’d definitely love to go at the end of the year. Anyone wanna tag along? Free accommodation! We can go eat sushi and see geishas together =)))

I just had a casual thought, that perhaps it’d be good to work in the UK for a while after maybe a year in local hospital? After all, their healthcare system is much more advanced, their salaries are much higher, nurses are more respected and best of all they have very established music therapy.

The flipside is that as an Asian I might be treated as a second-class citizen and since racism is prevalent there, I might get randomly shot down in the street after saving their own citizens at work.

However, if I wanna bring music into local hospitals, that is the best place to learn from. Like for my cousin, she’s learning the Japanese language, so obviously Japan is the best place to learn.

In addition, I have my music path to sort out. I’ll take things one at a time as for now.

Singapore is too small a place to be stuck in. =/

 

My Bedroom Walls

I spend most of my time at home in my room, minding my own business.

If the walls have eyes, they’d see how ugly I look when I cry, how silly I look when I laugh at my laptop, how bored I am while studying, how distressed/determined/satisfied (hardly) I am with my instruments.

If the walls have ears, they’d hear my most intimate prayers, my cries and whimpers, how whiny I can get with my instruments, my mf  laughter, my airy singing and my “Oh noooo”s and “Oh my god!!!”s while watching “Glee”.

And if they really have ears… They’d have crumbled down by now due to the so-called music I produced.

Almost all of the above listed happened on just this one day.

Perhaps ignorance is bliss? Sometimes it is probably good not to see or hear certain stuff.

Psychology is psychotic.

I can’t describe how hopeless I’m feeling right now.

My relationship with music has been good, at least I can see an apparent improvement over 1 week.

But I have a feeling this semester is so screwed for me. I had just received a call (sixth one at 8.15pm)  from the Psychotic Psychology Department of NUS regarding my term paper, after dismissing 5 previous calls from them cos it was an unknown number.

There is a reason why I seldom pick up unknown calls, very often nothing good ever come out of those.

Upon being told to meet them next Monday, I asked if my paper was “really bad” and the caller (my tutor cum coordinator for Psychology) told me it wasn’t, and that they just wanna “address some concerns” ….

Ok whatever that means.

The thing is, I’ve been studying Psych this whole afternoon cos that’s my only hope and favourite module for this semester. I got 84 the previous test and thought that this could at least help with my CAP.

And now I received that ____ call.

It just crushed every hope that I have. I don’t even feel like studying now. What’s the point.

______ __ .  =’’(

 

                               

Sunday @ East Coast!

                                                                     

My JC friend Si Min! She joined me for church and we went ECP after service with my cell =)) I love this picture of her cos I took it. And I think my backview is nicer than my front. Sadly.

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Anyway, I had great pleasure hanging out with Steph Chan tonight. I was kinda bored with school and she happened to be in town. We spent 5 quality hours together, out of that perhaps 3-4 hours talking about music.

She was confused as to what I wanna do in life. Nursing or music??? It’s kinda clear to me that nursing is merely a responsibility, something I HAVE to and called to do. Otherwise, I know I will carry this burden for the rest of my living days.

Music, on the other hand, has always been my passion. It’s something I have wanted to do since as young as I can remember and it’s something I WANT to do for the rest of my living days.

It is, however, not easy to juggle between both, especially since they are of completely different worlds. Many times I find myself torn between two, the mental conflicts are tragic. How am I supposed to divide myself when both are screaming for my attention with equal loudness?

Weigh my priorities.

Music wins.

Because I know the effort I invest in now is gonna last me through my life, till my dying days. But I can’t say the same for studies though I love learning very much.

I find it hard to justify. There is a guilt in me every time I spend more time practising than studying. How ridiculous.

Hate the constant battle within me.

And so I’ve finally changed my blogskin. =) It was one of the nights when you just refused to do anything you knew you should. In addition, I stayed up really late just to read my 2004/05 entries and reminisce on my past.

Nothing glorious though.

I couldn’t help but to burst into laughter at some of the silly things I wrote and did. And that was about 4.30am. It’s probably good to look back once a in blue moon and reflect on the changes we’ve made in our lives, be it good or bad. Oh and I found a long-lost song which I wrote and forgot about. I like the lyrics! =)))

That aside, my days have been rather low recently. I could probably attribute that to my sickness which is impeding me in some ways. Many times I’m too drowsy to focus  for long and it takes a lot out of me just to study or practise.

I realise I have been whining a lot more to my instruments and that should never be within the earshot of anyone, for obvious reasons.  It’s just meaningless sounds of frustration, not that they serve any purpose though… =/

I was just practising my current orchestra piece on the cello and at the end of my practice, I realised I was hearing my conductor’s voice throughout. Him telling me how it should be played when I reached a certain bar and him counting “1… 2… 3… 4…”.

What happened was, I was slightly late for the recent rehearsal and there happened to be no other cellist. So the moment I entered the room, I felt like turning 180 degrees and go right back home. I mean… Dvorak No. 8?!?! It has so many solo cello parts!!! How am I going to survive. =(((

Flashbacks of previous experiences revived and haunted me for a while. I thought of the time when I was singled out to play some bars because of some mistakes. Then I was just an amateur and noob (and sadly still is) to this whole cello/orchestra thing. Needless to say, I was traumatised and rejected the cello for a period of time. I even refrained myself from looking at it every time I walked past it at home.

So anyway, my conductor was really relieved that I was there, I mean at least there was a cello, though in my mind I was like “Omgomgomgomg”. Well, the whole rehearsal didn’t turn out as bad as I had thought it would be. My conductor was very kind to have guided me throughout (probably knowing how stressed I was) and encouraged me every time I played correctly. I’m fortunate in a sense he is also a cellist. =)

I couldn’t ask more. He’s the best conductor I’ve come across. Other conductors might have screamed at me, torn my score, or chased me out. Maybe. Ha.

Albeit surviving through the rehearsal, I broke down when I reached home. The pressure was a tad too intense for me. I did not play up to my own expectation, the orchestra had to repeat some parts because of me and I couldn’t catch up at some parts.

In the midst of crying, I text my conductor to thank him for that night. And he commented that I have improved loads and he could hear my improvement. =) That meant a lot to me, though I couldn’t help feeling sad.

I think it was quite an achievement tonight to even take out the score and practise it, ignoring what happened and determining to get it right. Well, there’s no point brooding over it since  eventually I still need to practise and get it right. As right as I can…

I just have to say it again, I’m very very thankful for my conductor, it could have been a lot worse.

 

Not in the best of health recently being down with sore throat and running/runny nose resulting in intermittent blocked ears.

But happy to spend the entire Tuesday in my room, only leaving for toilet breaks and food in kitchen. =))

Otherwise, my room has everything I need for survival.

I think my life is too predictable, there are just these few (interesting) things that I always do haha…

 

And so I’ve been reading the Psychology textbook on personality. I still cannot decide if I’m an introvert or an extrovert…

Sometimes I’m this and sometimes that, depending on situations and people (Ok maybe I’m not that predictable… But my life is haha.). However, I think I’m an introvert innately.

I love entertaining myself (that includes laughing at my own jokes) and am perfectly fine being alone anywhere.

Being “anti-social” in Psychology term, does not mean choosing to be alone or avoiding social activities as it is conventionally presumed. Rather, it means deviating from the social norms, exhibiting irresponsible and harmful behaviours. Such as, lying, stealing, murder, manipulation of others.

So… Obviously I’m not an anti-social as a few have commented. *ahem*

 

That being said, I’m also fine in the presence of (non-creepy) people. Especially recently, I don’t know how did I manage to find so many words to say. Omg. It’s probably my almost all-girl environment in school haha…

 

Hence the confusion over introversion and extraversion. But I don’t actually care, if not for the topic which intrigued me enough to do a little self-reflection…

 

Oh by the way… My own world is a very special place, accessed only by me. =))) And perhaps my future half =))) In it, I live my dreams.

I hope to be able to bring it into reality, so I can share my little world with everyone too hehehe.

I think you can dismiss my previous thought about imperfection and a human touch, that is probably just a convenient excuse.

Maybe. I don’t know…

 

It’s just a fine line between mistakes and accidents.

There are some situations which are beyond our control no matter how many I-should-haves our mind can conjure up.

The best comment I have heard in 2010 is “You are not a CD player.”

It was for a friend after his piano recital of which he thought he played badly in.

 

That sentence struck me and had me mulled over it for days.

Does creativity mean playing an exact replica of a recorded piece? Do we strive for excellence or perfection?

If the purpose of live performances is to connect the audience through music, isn’t having a little imperfection a better representation? An indirect human touch, to remind ourselves that no matter how much we have prepared, there will always be a possibility for screw-ups.

“Human error” they call it.

Unfortunately, very often society deems that “humanness” unacceptable on stage.

The stage could jolly be the scariest place on earth, where imperfection is scorned at and where mistakes are amplified.

I think it takes much courage to be a musician, for putting yourself up in a position where it’s easy for others to pull you down.

It also requires a strong person to get back on his feet again, putting behind his past and walking forward towards his imagined destination.

A dream is a thought of which we use our whole life attempting to manifest, bringing it from the invisible realm into the natural realm. It is costly, it requires all of us.

And it is probably worth all the heartaches, headaches, sweat and tears at the end of the day. :)

YIPEEEEEEE.

I am finally done with all my essay assignments for this semester, and have gone through 5 essays and 3 exams since CNY, ie in ~6 weeks.

I hope that’s just a ONCE in a lifetime experience. I’m mentally exhausted now, but extremely happy. =)))

I could never have imagined myself having to survive through this, but when you are thrown into the ocean, you NEED to somehow learn how to swim, there and then.

This reminds me of the time I willingly threw myself into the orchestra and nearly got drown, if not, being swallowed by bigger fishes or maybe an octopus.

The only way to learn how to swim is being in the swimming pool, out of your comfortable safety zone. And being in a position where you are vulnerable to being ridiculed.

You got to have thick skin to shield you from criticisms and a thin heart to be receptive to other people’s comments on how you can further improve yourself.

 

That aside, Olive and I had a great therapy at the movie tonight!!!

Tada! How to train your dragon. =)

Awesome show!!! I love animation. Creativity brings your mind out of the natural realm into a make-believe world. For a tour. =)

And I badly needed that tonight!

This movie reminds me of a verse

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty;
1 Corinthians 1:27

Hiccup (the main actor) was the scrawniest and most timid of all, yet he became the one who revolutionised his society.

Night fury/ Knight Furry (his dragon) was the only dragon which doesn’t kill, yet eventually he fought with the strongest dragon and saved every one.

=)

It’s quite encouraging, I have a little more hope now.

 

P.S: Sorry I just have to spoil it. HA